The bishop of Honolulu links marriage equality to polygamy, fascism and incest

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By Adam Brinklow

The Archdiocese of Honolulu submitted an “urgent letter to all Catholics in the state of Hawaii” last week, calling for activism and prayer as legislators consider a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage. Penned by Bishop Larry Silva, the notice warned that such unions would lead to rampant polygamy, incest, fascism, and, for some reason, youth suicide.

While the bishop is entitled to his views, we respectfully think he’s talking out of his rectory on this one. From the letter:

“We justly discriminate between those who are married and those who are not, because marriage is a special societal bond. There is just discrimination between parents and children, professors and students. While they are all equal in dignity as persons, they are not equal in their roles.”

For example, it’s critical that we discriminate between Bishop Silva, who may only move diagonally, and the knights, who go about in kind of an L-shape.

“To discriminate between heterosexual and same-sex couples regarding marriage is not, despite the hype on the streets, unjust discrimination.

“The hype on the streets”? What kind of static is this jive turkey laying on us?

“If one may marry without discriminating whether the partner is of the same sex, such “non-discrimination” will become the norm in other areas, too. Our school textbooks will have to portray sexual attraction as normal, no matter to whom one is attracted. When schools have dances, boys will have the choice of inviting a girl on a date or another boy on a date.

Earthquakes, volcanos, forty years of darkness, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

“Why would there be discrimination against those who decide to marry their mother or father, brother or sister, so that they can gain spousal benefits for them? Once we give in to the false notion that same-sex couples have a right to marry, how can we reasonably deny the same “right” to anyone who chooses to enter a “marriage” with a close relative?

By golly, he’s right! We’ve got to outlaw opposite-sex marriage at once, or there’ll be nothing stopping men from marrying their sisters.

Or something to that effect? Honestly, we might be misreading this.

“If same-sex marriage becomes “norm”-alized, would parents be considered bigoted if they raised their daughters to be attracted to boys and their sons to be attracted to girls? Or must parents now be completely neutral in steering their children toward the choice of a mate?

Wouldn’t most parents continue to rely on Yente, the village matchmaker, to steer their kids toward spouses?

“Would people who firmly believe that God made us male and female, and that God has revealed  that homosexual ACTS are sinful be allowed to hold such beliefs? Or would they have to be “re-educated” to think as “normal” people think?

That sounds like a lot of work, bishop, can’t we just deport you instead?

“Children will be the greatest casualties, in that they will be deprived of being raised in a loving home by a mother and a father. There will be more poverty, more social ills, more juvenile suicides, and more problems than we can imagine.

We are beginning to suspect that there is hardly any “problem” that the bishop cannot imagine. All he’s got to do now is link gay marriage to Ben Affleck being Batman and he’ll have the whole nine under his belt.

The bishop has had a pretty busy year, as far as letter writing goes. Back in January he sent a missive to Hawaii state legislators making many of the same arguments. From that letter:

“We have often allowed ourselves to think that equality means sameness. However, the two concepts are quite different. An apple enjoys equality to an orange as a fruit, but they are not the same.”

Did he…did he just literally compare apples to oranges?

“Same-sex unions blur the essential distinction between male and female and their complementary nature. While every person enjoys equality to every other person, there are differences.”

Please God don’t let this turn into a birds and bees talk with Bishop Silva, please God don’t let this turn into a birds and bees talk with Bishop Silva…

“While it is certainly not your role as legislators to espouse any particular religious doctrine in your decisions…”

Nudge nudge, wink wink.

“…I believe it is definitely your role to protect the constitutional right to religious freedom of the citizens of this state. Churches that find same-sex marriage repugnant to their beliefs have been sued for not allowing same-sex couples to use their facilities for “wedding” receptions.”

We’re seriously considering proposing a Hawaiian statute against excessive editorial quotation marks. We support free speech, bishop, but you’re out of control.

Readers will have to forgive us for having a little fun at the bishop’s expense, but aren’t we all getting tired of this kind of thing? Ten ridiculous rationales for your position are not an adequate substitute for one good one. Plenty of prominent Catholics, and people of many other faiths, have adopted a reasonable position about marriage equality. We hope Bishop Silva joins them soon.

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