Melania Trump is, let’s face it, lonely in her nightmare. Living out a prison sentence for a crime she didn’t commit, nor expect to be committed for (surely, you’ve seen the “when all you wanted was a sugar daddy and now you’re the First Lady” meme by now). Of course, there are many others in this world to feel sorrier for than a plagiarizing rich bitch, but still–how can you not feel a little bit bad that she’s had to rub up against the Donald’s dick at least once in order to conceive Barron?
Apparently, however, that night is gone forever as reports of Melania and Donald’s separate bedroom lifestyle sound increasingly plausible–a fake marriage to match all that fake news Donald must contend with. Adding to the scenes from a miserable nuptial agreement is a recent picture of the two grudgingly holding hands as they boarded Air Force One to head to Mar-A-Lago (the cost of which could easily fund some of the government agencies he’s recently cut funding to) to celebrate the equally-as-imprisoned Barron’s eleventh birthday.
And while “President” Trump is theoretically the most powerful man in the world, it’s going to take a lot more than global clout (ever-waning thanks to his super deluxe interpersonal skills) to entice any woman to feel sexually inclined toward an almost seventy-year-old orange blob with blond bristles for hair and a mouth that quite literally looks like an anus. It’s not about money anymore, of which Melania has plenty, so much as perhaps honoring some sort of legal document she signed at a time when she was still fresh off the boat.
Nonetheless, just because she may or may not be contractually stuck in the marriage until the day of Donald’s death or spontaneous combustion, it doesn’t mean that the Republican Party’s only physically desirable member has to leave her perch from within the Trump Tower to put out.